Short answer – for the most part, it may not be your fault. Infidelity is one of the main reasons why couples may seek counseling. While it is a better option before the relationship reaches this stage, relationship therapy can really work toward your relationship moving past this hiccup. Yes, in many cases it is possible for you to move past the affair if you really want it to. If you, however, are just recovering from the affair, as have only recently gotten wind of the situation, it can be devastating. That is when many people start thinking it is their own fault or begin to label blames all over the place,
Here are a few pointers that can help you better understand the situation, and also explain why you are not to blame for your spouse’s infidelity.
Understanding the process of self-blame
Relationships are a constant mix of complex dynamics between two people. Among the many things that go back and forth, there is also a power struggle between couples. While it need not be a self-consuming Machiavellian struggle, there’s no denying that it exists. In the eyes of the cheated, it may start to seem that the cheater is playing the upper hand and taking control of their life while the faithful person may start to lose a grip on their life. The next stage to this may lead the cheated wanting to immediately try and fix this situation. That is when you may start to try and make sense of what happened or is happening and if you find no logical conclusion behind it, the only exit is through yourself. Self-blame might just seem to have all the answers. After all, it is your fault, right? No.
Why you are not at fault
- Marriage bond is not the same
- A marriage is not a happily ever after deal. In fact, it is quite the opposite. There are the many stresses of everyday life that bear heavily upon individuals and couples alike. Workplace tensions, mounting bills, and just the grind of life can drive people apart. The correct thing to do is to seek comfort internally and not look for it outside the family. If you are being cheated on, this has little to do with you.
- Some people cheat to try and end the relationship
- When the fizz of marriage seems to slow down, there are ways to bring it back up. Few relationships completely fade away. Marriage therapy exists for this and in many cases, works wonders. There are, however, a few others who feel like they need to get out of the marriage and the best way to do this is to cheat. It is immature and cowardly, it also ends up hurting the faithful one in the relationship.
- Crisis
- Midlife crisis is a real issue in the western world. Many start thinking twice about their life choices after a certain age and begin to wonder if they are or have been doing the right thing. All these confusions and mounting internal conflicts may lead to searching for lost years outside the marriage.
If you have noticed a certain pattern in the above-mentioned points, it is that for the most part a showing of love and communication alone is enough to get people out of this situation before it happens. Seek couples counseling when things get rocky, prevention is far better than cure.
Sources:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/whypeoplecheat/f/blame_for_affair.htm
http://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/my-partner-cheated-and-sa_b_4320127
http://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/am-i-to-blame-for-his-or-her-affair_b_4395508
http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/08/06/their-affair-was-your-fault/